How to deal with your situation and your sadness
The notion of romantic love as something positive and something worth obtaining is an imperative part of our culture. We live in a society that applauds people for forming their relationships and shaping their whole life based on romantic love. Accepting you will never find love is seen as something incredibly sad, almost unthinkable.
Monogamous relationships are the norm
A couple riding off into the sunset together seems to be the highest achievement and what life is all about for many people. From the day we are born, we are expected to grow up and form long-term monogamous relationships.
This ideal is everywhere
This preconceived notion is present in all parts of society, and we all live with this pressure.
We are supposed to find the right person, fall in love, and make a family. (Nowadays, there is a small amount of flexibility in how this family can look.)
This ideal is reinforced by our parents and relatives, by our friends, and foremost by ourselves.
We try to obtain this outdated ideal every single day
We dream about meeting the right man. We go through all sorts of efforts to try and get him. When we finally fall in love, things don’t work out. We have our hearts broken. But that doesn’t stop us; we pick up the piece and keep dating to try and fulfill this ideal.
You know what, fuck this ideal. Fuck this dream. Fuck meeting the one.
A radically different approach
I’m going to suggest something radically different. I’m going to suggest accepting that you will never find love.
It might sound harsh, terrible even. But trust me, this acceptance comes with a lot of upsides.
You don’t have to read another article with dating advice, you don’t have to work on yourself, and you don’t have to go on more boring dates. Your life becomes yours again.
Time to let go
Let go of this romantic ideal and the idea of what life should be. Instead of trying to find someone and becoming frustrated with the result, let’s go in the opposite direction; let’s accept that you will never find love.
Sometimes the simplest things are the most profound.
Most people would object
Most people will be shocked by this suggestion. They will start protesting faster than you can say: I will never find love. They will try and comfort you and tell you that, of course, you will find someone.
There is someone for everyone.
But trust me; you will be liberated
But as someone who has accepted that I will never find love, I can tell you that this conclusion is liberating. You stop dreaming, you stop hoping, you get in the driver’s seat and take control over your life.
My Story
The first thing I did when I accepted that I would never find love was to volunteer at an orphanage. This was a desperate tactic to try and deal with everything that had gone wrong in my life. I needed someone to kick my ass into the right gear.
I accepted the unfairness
The strategy did work. I finally accepted that life is unfair and that there are many different kinds of love. There is not someone for everyone. Some people end up alone. A lot of people end up alone.
The second thing I did was move to the ocean, and the third thing I did was learn how to surf. When you accept that you never will find love, you stop waiting and start doing things.
Let’s challenge the ideal
Let’s take our new life approach one step further, and let’s question this romantic ideal that tells you that you should try and meet someone. Look at the couples around you. Do they seem happy? Some of them are, and some of them are not.
I can assure you that they are not happier than you and I are.
Romantic love isn’t what life is about, it’s one part of life, but there is so much more out there. Sometimes romantic love stands in the way between you and all of those things. Accepting you will never find love opens up your life to all those other things.
Love is overrated
People, in general, have an idealized view of romantic relationships. They think meeting the one automatically makes you happy. But sadly, this is not what’s going on in most couples. A lot of people are unhappy with their partners, a lot of people are thinking about breaking up.
A relationship doesn’t equal love
The sad truth is that a lot of people don’t feel in love at all. They just keep going on autopilot. Many people do, in fact, not get the love they want from their partner, but they stick around for whatever small scraps of love they can get.
Romantic love is not all it’s cut out to be
Being in a romantic relationship is something that a lot of times suck. I mean, seriously, really sucks. You can’t do what you want. You can’t take off and move to another country. For sure, you can’t have sex with strangers.
On top of all the restrictions, you also have to take care of another person’s emotional needs.
You are tied to another person
You have to deal with their anger, sadness, and passive-aggressive ways of criticizing you. Think back to your previous relationship. How much of the time where you actually happy? How much of the time were you sad and frustrated?
When you do the math, you realize that romantic love is overrated.
Love yourself
A lot of people say that before you find someone to love, you have to learn how to love yourself. This is a cliché and has no bearing in reality whatsoever. Stop believing this lie. Plenty of people who hate themselves are in a relationship.
Unhappy people find love
Those two things are not correlated. In fact, the more you hate yourself, the easier it is to find a terrible relationship to go along with your self-hate. If you want to go down memory lane regarding dysfunctional relationships, check out our article with examples of love bombing.
Acceptance is the road to freedom
Blaming single people for their relationship status is a way our society commends romantic relationships. There are reasons you haven’t found someone, and those reasons are complex enough to spend hours talking about. Whatever the reasons are, it’s OK. You are OK. Accepting you will never find love is OK.
Value the relationship you do have
You are already in a relationship with yourself. This is the most profound and important relationship you are going to have. The more you know about how to make yourself happy, and how to make yourself laugh, the easier this relationship will be.
This is the true meaning of loving yourself.
Marriage is a lie
Historically speaking, marriage was a way for men to control women. When a woman got married, she gave up her autonomy. She stopped working and became part of her husband’s assets. Marriage crippled her in all parts of her life. She couldn’t even inherit money and other assets.
In some countries, this is still what marriage constitutes. This is seriously fucked up, and I don’t understand people who want to get married. Why pay homage to an old institution that has been oppressing women for centuries and is still going strong?
Here is a great article about why marriage is an inherently unfeminist institution. Here is another interesting read about the many pitfalls of marriage.
Forever is not romantic
I also disagree with the notion that a relationship should be forever. To me, it’s not beautiful to force someone to stay with you forever. If you truly love someone, it should be important that they are happy and live an authentic life. Not that their life includes you at any cost.
Being married is not healthy
Thus the idea behind marriage is not healthy. A relationship should only continue if it’s something that enriches your life.
If you feel that you have been stuck in many bad relationships, I recommend our article Ending toxic relationships.
If you are being treated badly, you should dissolve that relationship. Not counting the years the two of you spent together. Those are wasted years and nothing to be proud of.
Soulmates are a lie
The idea of a soulmate is contrary to what many people believe; not a beautiful idea, but pretty scary. Let’s be honest; the only people who talk about having found their soulmate are people in toxic relationships. The concept is inherently unhealthy.
Bad relationships are often given validation by talking about concepts such as soulmates and twin flames. The fact is that no two people belong together. You belong to yourself, and you go through life alone.
Giving up on love is standing up for yourself
The only thing you can do to be less alone is to be more kind to the people around you. There is no soulmate out there who will make you whole because you are already whole.
A friend of mine proclaimed she had found her soulmate. A couple of years later, she completely dismissed the relationship and said her ex-boyfriend was a lazy pot smoker with zero ambition. I guess they weren’t soulmates after all.
How to give up on love
If you want to have a great roadmap to giving up on love, we wrote an interesting article about this exact subject.
Love is an excuse for all sorts of bad behavior. When you give up on finding love, it’s also a promise to yourself that you will never again deal with someone else’s shitstorm in the name of love. Congratulation.
Different sorts of love
We all want love, and we all have love to give.
I do think love is a beautiful thing. But people tend to put too much focus on romantic love. Romantic love is only one part of this equation.
When you accept that you will never find love, you free up a lot of love. Spend this love on meaningful relationships with friends and people around you. I had to volunteer at an orphanage to discover this. You don’t need to be so melodramatic.
Give your love to someone who deserves it
Just acknowledge that your love is worth a lot, and now when you are free from an outdated ideal, you can choose who deserves your love and attention. You can get a dog or a cat, or spend your love on different continents by traveling.
If you want, you can spend your love shagging strangers or volunteer for causes you believe in. It’s up to you.
A Final Note
You probably don’t agree with some of my points. I know accepting that you will never find love is a radical stand. But when you are ready, you will come to the same realization, accepting you will never find love is liberating.
Or both of us will find someone and become one of those drooling soulmates proclaiming idiots. Let’s hope that’s not our destiny.
