7 smart strategies to manage your monster
Small doses of jealousy are normal in a relationship. Most people understand the feeling of jealousy and have experienced it at one point in their life. But when the jealousy becomes crippling it’s not healthy. If you are the one suffering from jealousy, know that jealousy is a feeling and all our feelings are ok and can be valuable if treated correctly.
The jealousy can be warranted
Sometimes jealousy is an indication that something is wrong with the relationship. This is especially true if you are normally not a jealous person, but all of a sudden you feel that gut punch that something is wrong.
In those cases, you have to listen to your intuition.
When jealousy is warranted it is indeed healthy and it’s an alarm bell.
Is your partner jealous?
If you are wondering if jealousy is healthy in a relationship because you have a jealous boyfriend, the answer is that you have to deal with the jealousy in a constructive way.
The feeling of jealousy is neither healthy, nor unhealthy, but the action you take as a result can absolutely be either or.
If your partner is controlling, the jealousy becomes toxic.
Jealousy needs to be addressed
When one of you is suffering from jealousy, this problem has a sneaky way of wreaking havoc in the relationship.
Jealously lead to all sorts of conflict. If your partner is jealous without any reason whatsoever, you will naturally feel mistrusted and attacked.
You need to communicate with your partner about their jealousy.
Are you the jealous one?
You might be reading this and thinking “Shit. I’m jealous, but I don’t want to be, and it certainly doesn’t feel especially healthy.”
Rest assured, you can work through your jealousy and become a better, more harmonic, person on the other side.
Examples of healthy jealousy in a relationship:
- Your partner showcases a behavior that you are not comfortable with and this behavior needs to be addressed. Your logical mind agrees that it’s not ok.
- Your partner is not giving you as much time and attention as you would wish and as a result, you start feeling jealous towards different aspects of your partner’s life. For example their work or their hobbies.
- You feel excluded from different parts of your partner’s life and you would want to be more included.
- Someone is trying to flirt with your partner. In this case, a little bit of jealousy is normal.
- Your partner is telling you about someone they appreciate. And they seem to be a little bit too positive about this person’s qualities. A lot of people would feel jealousy in this situation, so even if it’s not exactly healthy, it’s completely normal.
1. Figure out what you make it mean
In all those cases it can be that there is nothing nefarious going on, your emotions are just taking you for a ride.
But there might be other issues that need to be addressed and resolved. It’s a fine line to balance, because your partner is not responsible for your emotions. But in a good relationship, your partner should be considerate towards your feelings.
We suffer when we connect painful meanings to incidents, and you don’t want to suffer, I assume. A good way to deal with unwelcome feelings is to ask yourself what you make it mean. You can also ask yourself what you make it mean about yourself or about the relationship. What thoughts causes your jealousy to rear its head?
The first feeling might not be unhealthy, but the story you form from the incident can absolutely be unhealthy.
Worst-case scenario thinking
You see your partner talk to an attractive woman, and you feel a pang of jealousy. That’s Ok, almost expected.
But if your thoughts take you for a ride and you tell yourself things like; I’m not attractive enough. He will leave me. This relationship will never work out. I bet he likes her more than he likes me.
If you have these, or similar thoughts, your jealousy has taken an unhealthy road. You are basically telling yourself stories that are not true and stories that feel hurtful to yourself. You are taking a normal situation and using it to bully yourself.
It’s fascinating how we can be our own worst enemies.
If you recognize yourself in this kind of jealousy, it’s time to do the work to free yourself from the prison of negative thoughts. The first step is to write down your automatic negative thoughts, this is you getting to know the enemy. (AKA your inner landscape.)
Working through pervasive jealousy
Jealousy that seems to move from one situation to another is a bit different. Since it is not about a specific situation it is clear that either you or your partner suffers from a more pervasive form of jealousy.
If there are a lot of situations that trigger your jealousy, the feeling is more about you than it is about those specific situations. You might find something to be jealous of on a daily basis. Of course, these kinds of thoughts are very stressful and not healthy at all.
2. Understanding jealousy
Jealously is a natural instinct
The first step is to understand why you feel jealous.
Jealousy is a normal feeling because we don’t want to be abandoned.
The attachment we form with our partner to some extent reflects the relationship we had with our parents. If you didn’t feel secure in relation to your parents, it’s likely that you project that feeling onto your partner. This is one of the main reasons as to why many people suffer from jealousy in their relationship, and it’s not healthy.
Asking the right questions
Jealousy is also a primal instinct to make sure our offspring is really our own. (Well, for men at least.)
It’s clear that jealousy is an intense feeling that cut deep within us. I think everyone who has suffered from jealousy can agree that it is a very painful feeling.
How does this pattern manifest itself in your life?
To tame your jealousy, take a closer look at what this feeling is trying to tell you. How does your jealous connect to your childhood? How does your jealousy connect to your experiences from previous romantic relationships?
3. Get to know your beast
I recommend journaling for this part of your healing. What situations trigger your jealousy? What kind of thoughts do you suffer from when you are feeling jealous? Which things intensify your jealousy? How has jealousy affected your previous relationships?
You can also journal to help figure out healthy strategies to deal with your jealousy.
Ask yourself; what helps when you suffer from jealousy?
Another good question is; What has given you relief in the past?
What words does your jealousy use?
You might think that jealousy feels the same for every person. But nothing could be farther from the truth. Your jealousy will be unique to your personality and past experiences. Do you think that something is wrong with you? That you are not good enough for your partner? Or not beautiful or smart enough?
Whatever your jealousy is telling you, it will show you parts of yourself that need healing.
4. Reprogram your negative thoughts
For every thought, find 10 proofs of the opposite. This exercise is called reprogramming. You can do it by writing down the proofs on paper, or you can do it in your inner monologue.
Basically, if you suffer from crippling jealousy, this means that you have faulty programming. You don’t feel safe and this sense of unsafety is manifested through jealousy.
For more tips read my article How to stop being jealous in a relationship.
5. Don’t get on the thought train
When you feel thoughts of jealousy rushing towards you and flooding your brain, do thought interruption.
Tell yourself; cancel, cancel. Replace the thought with a more positive thought. it helps to have a lot of positive thoughts written down, this way you are well-prepared to tell yourself good stories.
We might feel as if our thoughts control us, but practice being in control over your thoughts.
6. Set healthy boundaries
If there is a special situation that has triggered your jealousy, it’s time for healthy boundaries. For example, if your partner has a work college they have grown close with, you might decide together the level of intimacy you feel comfortable with.
Those situations arise in every relationship and it’s important that you deal with them together as a couple and in a way both of you feel is reasonable.
If something makes you feel uneasy, explain this to your partner. Explain exactly how it makes you feel and why. Also, suggest what would make you feel better about the situation. Maybe a phone conversation to check in.
In a healthy relationship, your needs should be heard and taken into consideration.
7. Ask for your needs
If we feel like we don’t get enough time and attention from our partner, this can also spark jealousy. If this is the case, ask your partner for what you need, instead of accusing them of not spending enough time with you.
When you feel like you need more reassurance or more quality time, ask for those things. This healthy strategy to deal with jealousy in a relationship is about knowing your needs and asking your partner for the things you crave. A hsecure partner should be able to help you levitate some of the jealousy.
It’s important that you ask for your need, but it is also important that you respect your partner’s needs.
Maybe you have a need to constantly be reassured versus your partner having a need to spend time with his friends. Both needs are valid and for the relationship to thrive you need to come up with a middle ground that both of you are happy with.
Strategies if your partner is jealous
Don’t feel guilty. Realize the jealousy is about them and not about you. Don’t compromise too much on your own needs to try and make your partner happy.
If you compromise too much on your freedom you will feel resentful.
It’s your partner’s responsibility to work through their jealousy. Don’t take on too much of their feelings, you end up losing yourself. Decide on healthy boundaries together.
Suggests the strategies I have presented above to your partner. Make him see that it is his job to work through his jealousy. For more tips read my article How to deal with a jealous boyfriend.
How to make jealousy healthy
Jealousy in a relationship can be healthy if both of you address the feelings and work together to feel more secure in the relationship. When one of you feels jealous you get the opportunity to practice your communication skills. Try to express your feelings and needs. Also, try to really hear your partner and what they are feeling and what they need.
Don’t be too hard on yourself
Don’t beat yourself up for feeling jealous, as humans we naturally want to protect our resources. It’s normal to compare yourself to other people. But it’s not the healthiest way to go about life. The less jealous you can be, the healthier you will feel. The same goes for your partner if he is the one suffering from jealousy.
A Final Note
Jealousy in a relationship is not black and white. It all comes down to having healthy strategies to deal with your jealously. When we treat our feelings as feedback and try to listen to what they are trying to tell us, we grow as people.
