8 solid strategies for becoming strong and independent
To be independent even when you are in a relationship is extremely important. Many people dive head-first into their new love, only to regret everything they gave up later on. For your relationship to thrive and be long-lasting, it’s important that you have your own life and your own identity. That’s why the question “How to be an independent woman in a relationship” is such an important one.
If you are not independent enough, you are automatically needy, sad but true.
Why being needy is un-healthy
The problem with being needy is that it’s not attractive, especially not in the long run.
But to be honest, that’s only a small problem. The bigger problem looming in the future is that if you are overfocused on one area of your life, you will become unhappy. If you put all your energy into your love life, you will not develop and thrive in other areas.
Have a well-balanced life to be happy
For example, if you only focused on your career without giving attention to your health, family and interests, the result would be the same. You would become unhappy.
As humans, we need all the areas of our lives to be in balance. When you ask how to be an independent woman in a relationship, that’s your answer. Give equal attention to all different areas of your life.
Don’t over-focus on your relationship.
1. Cultivate your own identity outside of the relationship
Many people get into a relationship and abandon their hobbies and sometimes even their friends.
The first rush of love can do this to us; that’s only natural. But when the infatuation phase tapers, it’s time to reconnect with those sides of yourself.
Shift your focus back to friends and hobbies
Fun exciting hobbies and friendships are not things that just fall into your lap.
You have to cultivate those things. If you feel unsure about how to find new friends read our article How to make new friends in your 30s.
Work for the things that are important to you
Reconnect with friends and spend time with them without your boyfriend.
Explore a new hobby, sign up for a course. Whatever you do, get out there, socialize and learn new skills. Having your own identity will lead to you being an independent woman.
Obs, don’t drag your boyfriend along to these activities.
2. Have a career and make your own money
To be independent, it’s crucial that you have this very important area of your life under control.
A person who has her own money is already halfway to being independent.
Ask yourself, honestly, if your career is where you want it to be? Do you make enough money to give yourself the life you want to have?
If not, what is holding you back?
Believe in your goals
Take responsibility for the situation and make a plan to reach your goals.
Even if you have to work in a job you don’t like, it can still be a stepping-stone to reaching your dreams.
When you ask how to be an independent woman in a relationship having your own money is absolutely essential. And that money has to come from somewhere. You have to work for them.
3. Have your own strong opinions
In a relationship, there is a lot of decision to be made, what to cook for dinner, what to do on the weekend, and how to spend quality time together.
“When it comes to those decisions and every other decision, it’s important that you have an opinion. People who come across as dependent often say things such as, “I don’t care; we can do whatever you want to do.” (Or a similar version.)
Observe yourself and see if you are guilty of this behavior.
Find out what you want
The good thing is that this is very easy to change, just by having an opinion
You might think that you are doing your boyfriend a service by going along with whatever he wants to do. But what he wants is someone who has her own ideas and lots of input in all areas of life. He wants a companion. We all do.
Compromises are ok
“This does not mean that it should be”my way or the highway.” You can still make plenty of compromises.
The important part is that you do have an opinion and that you state your opinion. (This goes for having an opinion about movies and books as well.)
We all want to get to know another person. We want to see them as they truly are. If you don’t state your preferences, it comes across as you don’t have a personality. That’s not attractive.
4. Develop a deep relationship with yourself
Having money and a career is an important step if you want to be an independent woman in a relationship, but as mentioned before, those things are only half the battle because you can be finically independent but still heavily dependent in other ways.
To become truly independent, you need to learn to trust yourself and to love yourself. This might sound like a cliché; I did to me.
But then I realized that the relationship we have with ourselves is a real relationship.
Find out who you are
To get to know ourselves, we need to ask ourselves questions, spend quality time with ourselves and be comfortable with doing nothing and being alone.
Ask yourself what you would need and want from yourself if you were in a relationship with yourself. Appreciation? Care? Quality-time?
Give yourself exactly the things you want
Give those things to yourself and you will feel yourself develop a deeper relationship with yourself.
When you do this, it’s important that you are present with yourself, just like you would be with a dear friend. Don’t check your phone, don’t watch Netflix, instead light a candle and journal about your feelings.
5. Don’t be co-dependent
When we are in a relationship, it happens easily that we adjust our mood to the other person. When your boyfriend is unhappy, you become unhappy. You are always trying to feel what he is feeling and adjust your feelings accordingly.
Be honest. Are you guilty of this behavior?
To a certain extent, this is natural, but taken too far, it is toxic.
If you ask how to be an independent woman in a relationship, you are most likely already a victim of this mechanism.
You adjusting your emotions to your boyfriend’s emotions is a form of co-dependency.
You are not responsible for each other’s happiness
You might take responsibility for making him happy when he is feeling down. Probably you also expect him to care for you and your feelings.
When those two things happen, you slowly lose your sense of having your own identity.
Don’t take on another person’s feelings. Instead, let them experience their reality and trust them that they can regulate themselves. Also, don’t make your boyfriend responsible for making you happy.
No one wants to be responsible for another person’s emotional state.
6. Continue taking care of yourself
Let’s get down to some practicalities; becoming someone’s girlfriend is not a carte blanche to let yourself go. Don’t always wear sweatpants
