“Expectation is the root of all heartache” – William Shakespeare
We are not sure if the wizened old bard actually said these words (though the internet attributes it to him!) but you can’t deny the truism in it. Expectations in relationships can be quite the spoilsports.
Yes, we know what you are thinking – these things are easier said than done. How can you not expect anything while dating the love of your life? How can you live without expectations? What is wrong with expecting your partner to do certain things for you? You are right, we hear you! Who said it was ever easy?
But while it would be foolhardy to imagine we can all be saints and nuns who do everything without hoping to get anything in return, what you can do is learn the fine art of managing your expectations. Once you have those wayward, undisciplined emotions under control, you can ensure that if (god forbid) your beau hurts you, it well… hurts less! Also, you can perhaps bounce back stronger than before.
Why Do We Expect In Relationships?
Having expectations in relationships is natural. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. You need not be ashamed or defensive about them either. We have all been brought up on certain values and observations. As we grow up, these become an integral part of our persona. A lot of it also comes from conditioning.
Like it or not, but we have greater expectations from life partner than we do from, say a neighbor or sibling or even a boss. This is arguably because we have been fed romantic notions of love, marriage, and ‘happily ever after’, which is not exactly what life is about. Does that mean it is futile to have expectations in relationships?
Most certainly not! In fact, research says that having positive expectations in relationships can lead to better interpersonal functioning. According to a study carried out at the University of Maryland, the motivations and evaluations of a relationship were positive among couples with high expectations, with them showing more forgiveness and less contempt towards each other.
How To Manage Your Expectations In A Relationship?
It is healthy to have realistic and natural expectations. But you really can’t expect others to change for you or for them to behave the way you want them to. Emotional distress arises when your expectations are repeatedly unmet, for our brains are wired in a way to assign additional meaning to all that’s happening around us.
You mix your past experiences with the person, add more elements to an already fragile situation and it ends up adding to your disappointment. For example, if you expect that your partner should always attend events and parties with you and they fail to do so, you may feel let down. When this happens constantly, you may tag their other weaknesses to this tendency, amplifying their negative traits. It all results in a relationship disaster.
To avoid unmet expectations from becoming a root cause of an unhappy relationship, here’s how you can manage them the right way:
1. Know what bad expectations are
To avoid pain, it’s first important to know what unhealthy relationship expectations are. Knowingly or unknowingly, when setting expectations in a relationship, sometimes we place the bar too high, which then weighs heavily on our minds even before we properly begin dating.
If you want your man to be hotter than Zac Efron, very rich, and spend every waking moment with you, sorry, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. You are focusing on precise credentials on a checklist than overall values. Expect your partner to be well-groomed, supportive, and kind instead of pinpointing their exact height or bank balance.
2. Know what you want in life
Rule number 1 of a successful love life: You can’t have it all at all times. In other words, have realistic expectations in relationships. That means knowing what you want from a serious relationship. Don’t be afraid to spell out your expectations from your life partner or current romantic partner.
And if you are confused, try and list what you definitely don’t want. Generally, when you meet and date a lot of people, you will know for yourself what your heart truly desires from a serious relationship. This can be an impetus to help you work toward your goals and can make sure you won’t end up marrying the wrong person who fails to meet any of your expectations.
3. Accept disappointment on certain occasions
You need to remember that at times reasonable expectations may not be met either. It’s life and these things happen. Your boyfriend or girlfriend may forget an important occasion, they might say something rude during a fight, their reactions might come as a shocker in certain situations.
Probably because they suck at managing household work. Seek relationships to complement you and not complete you. If you have life goals, a successful career and you love yourself, you will seek a man or woman who enhances those qualities and not fulfill them.
6. Be honest and communicate better
Open, candid communication is the key to healthy relationships. It doesn’t require a genius to figure that out. But in the realm of setting expectations in relationships, the importance of an honest chat increases manifold. Please do not expect your partner to know what you want.
Whether you are dating or planning a marriage, it is better to spell out loud and clear what you expect. From simple things to doing the dishes and watching TV to life-altering decisions relating to children, finance and more, be clear about your viewpoint.
8. Do not compare your relationship with others
Comparisons go hand in hand with unrealistic relationship expectations. When you see the qualities or abilities you wished in your partner in someone else, it adds to the heartburn. This happens because you expect your partner to fill every void, every need, every want, and every vacuum.
Joined-at-the-hip couples look ideal in movies and books. In reality, even those who share the closest relationships have to make some compromises or the other. The way to get past this is to own and recognize your expectations. More importantly, note that they are not the rules that your partner should live by too. Also, ask yourself – are you living up to their expectations in relationships?
Truth be told, there is no right or wrong in expectations, so long as you are realistic about them and know how to manage them. But once again, the term ‘realistic’ is also subjective. What is realistic and reasonable to one, may not be so to another.
Ultimately, what works is your chemistry and bond. If the foundation of your relationship is strong, then the extent of your expectations doesn’t really make a difference.
