“I wanted him to assure me that he is there for me if I ever need him. But he just hugged me silently.” Or “I don’t feel like she recognizes how much I do around the house. She likes giving me nice gifts instead.” Has this mismatch of expectations versus incompatible love languages ever happened to you? If yes, then you must know what the different types of love languages are, and how they are the key to a smooth and sustainable relationship.
The roots of this love theory go back to the book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret To Love That Lasts by marriage counselor Dr. Gary Chapman. He came up with the framework that each of us has our own way of expressing love and our own way of wanting to receive it.
So, what are the 5 types of love languages? There are, Gary Chapman claimed, five primary types of love languages and each has its unique components. In this article, we take a deep dive with the expertise of psychotherapist Jui Pimple (MA in Psychology), a trained Rational Emotive Behavior therapist and a Bach remedy practitioner who specializes in online counseling.
What Are Love Languages?
The meaning of love language is simple. It’s the way you like to give and receive love. It’s how you feel seen and cared for. It’s how you grow closer to your partner. Over 55% of those who have been in a relationship feel most loved when their partner makes them feel emotionally seen, as per a 2023 eharmony report. When it comes to feeling loved, different ways work for different people, as seen from the example of incompatible love languages above.
Knowing and communicating your love languages to the ones you wish to seek love from is essential. It brings more stability and less confusion, more validation and less resentment in a relationship. But remember that the five love languages differ with geography, culture and various stages of life, so it wouldn’t be reasonable to expect them to remain the same everywhere.
For instance, there are places where physical affection in public are taboo or where words of affirmation are considered unnecessary tools to strengthen relationships. This doesn’t mean that certain love languages don’t exist in such places, it only means that they evolve, compromise, or switch as needed.
So, what about you? Do you resonate with one (or more) out of the 5 love languages in relationships? Let’s see.
What Are The 5 Types Of Love Languages?
Each one of us has a love language type to which we are most receptive. However, we are sometimes unaware of the distinction among the different love languages. For instance, you might feel loved when your partner gives you a gift. That is a love language for you. In a healthy and long-term relationship, understanding your partner’s form of love language is the key to maintaining harmony. And that’s what this article intends to do. So, without further ado, here are 5 love languages in a relationship:
1. Words of affirmation
Jui explains, “Verbal expressions of love and affection are key to people for whom words of affirmation are the primary form of love language. They will frequently use statements such as ‘I love you’ or ‘I am glad to have you in life’. People whose love language is words of affirmation also like to hear such words from their partner; it’s how they feel loved and reassured, and thereby safe to express their own feelings.”
Expect a lot of text messages, or even little love notes and emails. These are people who are fulsome with compliments and will always be the first to leave comments on their partner’s social media posts.
2. Quality time
If your partner loves just hanging out with you on the couch or having you around when you’re not doing much, their dominant love language type is quality time.
“Having quality time is an important part of most relationships,” says Jui, “But people with this love language express their feelings to their partner by simply being with them, spending time together even when they are not doing anything specific. There are always different ways to spend quality time to make your partner feel loved and also make your relationship richer.”
Mind you, quality time would mean undivided attention and being fully present with each other. When they’re telling you about their day, they want you to be a good listener, and not just zone out and nod.
3. Acts of service
We’ve all heard that actions speak louder than words, and now it’s an entire love language all by itself. Love is a verb, after all. So, if they’re always ready to wash up after a meal, or bring you your morning coffee, their love language is all about acts of service.
Jui says, “Some people have a different love language. They value actions more than words – they would go out of the way to help their partner as a way of showing how much they love them. For such people, a partner should also try to be a helpmate in their everyday activities and make small gestures that make them feel loved and cherished.”
It’s possible these are people who aren’t all that verbal or physical with their expressions of affection, but they’ll be standing right next to you, ready to help whenever you need them.
4. Gifts are a form of love language
Who doesn’t love getting presents, right? However, for some people, receiving and giving gifts is a type of love language. Gift-giving is such a great way to show that you care about someone, that you were thinking about them, and so on. Material manifestations of love might not be everything, but it’s always great to receive love tokens. Who doesn’t want to get cozy gifts for a girlfriend or boyfriend and watch their faces light up?
“Surprising your partner with a thoughtful present can delight them. People with this love language often give gifts to their partners and in return, they thoroughly appreciate receiving gifts from them too. Giving and receiving gifts is one major way of loving their partner,” says Jui.
5. Physical touch
Touch is an important component of any healthy relationship, and physicality is truly its own form of love language. If your partner’s idea of a great evening is snuggling with you on the couch, if they’re the sort who always holds your hand, physical touch is their primary way of telling you how they feel. It doesn’t always have to lead to sexy time, either. Non-sexual touch is just as significant to these folks.
“Physical touch is not necessarily a sensual one,” Jui says. “This could also be holding hands in public, caressing your hair, or resting their head on your shoulder while you travel in a car or bus. These people feel loved with small physical acts such as kissing and hugging frequently throughout the day.”
What We Need To Know About Different Types Of Love Languages
Now that we know the answer to the ‘how many different types of love languages are there’ question, how do we navigate them? We rounded up a prep course of sorts to help you understand the different types of love languages with ease.
1. Communicating your love language is vital for your relationship
What’s your usual reaction toward those you love? Do you send them warm text messages? Or touch their shoulders lightly? Do you always pick the perfect gift for them? If you know your love language, you can make others happy, and be clear about your needs and expectations too.
2. Pay attention to your partner’s love language
Just because they made you tea one day doesn’t really mean their love language is an act of service. See what they do frequently to show how much they care about you. On the importance of understanding love languages, Jui advises, “It’s important to dig into the personal meaning of love languages. If they tend to differ, try to understand your partner’s love language and at the same time, communicate your different types of love languages to them.”
3. Understand that your dominant love language could change
According to eharmony dating report of 2023, 26% of U.S. respondents have changed the way they express love in a romantic relationship over the past year while 25% have changed the way they prefer to receive love. People and circumstances change, and so do the expressions of love.
It would be normal, for instance, for physical touch to be your primary love language at the start of a relationship, and for it to become acts of service and coming up with gift ideas as you grow older. Also, people are perfectly capable of having two primary love languages – One to give love and another to receive it.
4. Remember, love languages are a tool, not a cure
These different types of love languages are a way to communicate more effectively, to make a relationship stronger and richer. They are not a miracle cure for an ailing relationship. Simply knowing how to speak someone’s love language won’t be enough to make conflicts go away. In that case, you could seek professional help from Bonobology’s panel of counselors to help mitigate your problems.
How To Use The 5 Love Languages To Make Your Relationship Stronger
We talked to our readers and compiled some anecdotes of them using different types of love languages in relationships. We got some really honest answers. Here’s what they said:
1. When your partner’s love language is words of affirmation
“I really like it when my partner appreciates me verbally,” says Milo, an entrepreneur from L.A. “It’s important to me that he notices when I’ve had a new haircut, or if I’m wearing a new shirt. I feel loved and secure and seen.”
2. When their love language is quality time
“I would often just come home, slump on the couch and make mechanical responses to my wife’s questions. Till I realized she was genuinely trying to have a little time with me, and it was important to her. I now listen intently,” says Andrew, a scriptwriter from Chicago.
3. When their love language is acts of services
Xu Tao, an animator from Ohio, shares, “One of my partner’s primary love languages is acts of service. He’s always doing things like picking up medicines and ice cream when I’m dying of cramps, doing the dishes, and is just generally prepared to do any chore or drive me wherever I need to go. He understands my sleep disorder so well, through actions.”
4. When their love language is receiving gifts
“My partner once gifted me a first edition copy of my favorite childhood book,” says Toni, a 25-year-old model. “I’d told her about it a long time ago, and she remembered. I think the fact that she’d heard me, that she remembered, was as sweet as the gift itself.”
5. When their love language is physical touch
Farah, a 30-year-old doctor, says, “I’m a deeply physical person, a serial hugger and a cuddle fan. If I’m trying to comfort someone, I put a hand on their shoulder. When I’m feeling tender, I cup my partner’s face in my palm. You’ll always find me working with my feet on my partner’s lap.”
Key Pointers
- How many different types of love languages are there? There are 5 types of love languages that Gary Chapman came up with: Words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, gift-giving, and physical touch
- Know your own love language so that you start receiving love the way you feel affirmed and seen
- Out of the five languages of love, pay attention to the one that your partner resonates with so you can give love in the same manner
- They might receive love differently from you. Their ways of showing affection might vary from yours too
- Understand that your love language can change over time
- Remember that love languages are tools of intimacy, not cure for ailing relationships
We’ve talked about the five types of love languages, the importance of understanding love languages, and how they can be used to make our relationships better. Remember, there are all types of love, and we all carry seeds of more than one love language. There’s no knowing which one could be dominant.
Human nature is not consistent. The lines between the different types of love languages can blur and merge, so if you thought you were all about affirming words, and then suddenly you feel like physical touch, it’s all good. The more loving expressions we make room for, the better off we are.
