Have you ever asked this question – why do people fall in love? It is tempting to believe that love happens organically when someone triggers certain hormones within you. But beyond the oxytocin and other chemicals that apparently play a role in your love life, there are some deep reasons why some people are more special than others – it’s simply because they fulfill your emotional needs in a relationship.
As most people would agree, lust may be physical but love is purely emotional. Perhaps that’s the reason why the season of love never fades despite what cynics and naysayers warn us about. Think about it. Do rising divorce cases and bitter breakups deter people from falling in love again… and again? No. This is purely because there are different emotional needs in a relationship that motivate us to never step off from the journey of love.
What Are The 10 Critical Emotional Needs In A Relationship?
Mark Manson, the author of Emotional Needs in Relationships, says that our success at romance as adults depends a lot on our emotional map in childhood. Yes, how you were raised affects relationships. There are varying degrees of unmet needs in a relationship, be it with parents or siblings, and each of these experiences leaves its mark as a series of micro-traumas that shape and define us.
The nature and magnitude of these traumas imprint themselves onto our unconscious and they define how we experience love, intimacy and sex, adds Manson. Therefore, even though the emotional needs of a man might be hugely different from the emotional needs of a woman, at the core, happiness is defined by how these needs are met or dealt with.
The choices we make about who we love, marry or get separated from are determined by meeting emotional needs in a relationship or lack thereof. Emotions are basically feelings and the way our relationships make us FEEL from within determines their success. So what are the 10 top emotional needs in a relationship that we are all searching for? Here’s a tentative list and some tips on what to do to ensure your partner feels fulfilled in a relationship:
1. Care
“A simple ‘I love you’ means more than money,” said jazz legend Frank Sinatra in the classic song Tell Her. Well, there is one phrase that is even better than that. It is “I care for you”.
The desire to be cared for is perhaps at the heart of all emotional needs in a relationship. When we commit to someone, we are essentially connecting with them at a deep level where the element of care reigns supreme. You want to be involved in every aspect of their lives.
In many ways, the word ‘care’ denotes a certain tenderness to the relationship. It means your partner’s emotions matter to you, their mood affects you. When a relationship starts to fray, you stop caring and that’s the beginning of the end.
3. Acceptance
Being loved and accepted are two different things. Love does not mean you expect your partner to change according to your wishes. It means you accept them with their flaws.
Vandana Shah, a Mumbai-based divorce lawyer, went through a horrific divorce herself years ago and one of the main reasons why she separated was due to lack of acceptance by her husband. “My husband and in-laws did not want an independent woman with a mind of her own, and that’s where the harassment started,” she says.
“I could not change myself, I had to be me. No wonder the marriage was doomed,” adds Vandana. Complete acceptance of one’s persona, lifestyle, values and habits are one of the prime emotional needs in a relationship. Unless you make your partner feel accepted for the way they are, they won’t feel that they belong in your life.
Malini Bhatia, founder and CEO of Marriage.com, says in an essay that appreciation is one of the three A’s in any relationship (the other two being acknowledgement and acceptance). “As humans, we constantly crave positive attention and appreciating someone is the best way to go about it.”
7. Honesty
Among the different emotional needs in a relationship, honesty ranks high. Honesty is not just related to situations where a couple shares their feelings, opinions, thoughts and likes and dislikes but it’s also about opening up about your past, present and future.
Divya, the banker who we mentioned above, recalls the lies she was constantly subjected to in her relationship. “Since it was only my partner who did all the talking, I had no way to verify whether his stories were true or just complete fabrications to cover up his tracks. As it turned out, many of them weren’t.”
The person you get into a relationship with deserves to know everything that may affect your life together. Unfortunately, people tend to put their best foot forward during the dating period and repent later when things don’t turn out the way they expected.
9. Trust and understanding
When you fall in love, your partner becomes your friend, confidant and support system. Understanding and trust are, therefore, the key for any relationship to blossom. Being understood by your partner means they align with your thoughts, desires and vulnerabilities.
Couples who are perfectly in sync may have differences but their ability to understand each other’s emotional needs in a relationship helps them overcome any challenge. A relationship stops evolving when you fail to understand each other or find little in common with each other.
This does not happen overnight, which is why it is essential to invest time and effort in developing a relationship. Meeting emotional needs in a relationship such as trust and understanding requires patience and a willingness to work hard on yourself as well as your partner.
